life of me

giftedlyme-deactivated20120405 asked: Just so you know, when you get high it burns up basically all the calories you eat. So don't beat up yourself too much. You're beautiful <3

i don’t think that’s true, about the burning calories or about being beautiful.

but thanks.

i feel so trapped right now. trapped in my house, trapped in my job, trapped in my eating disorder. and trapped in my disgusting body.
there’s nothing i can do freely. i have to answer to someone with every little thing i want to do. i have to be careful what i say, and who i say it to. i have to be on my best behavior all the time. 
i hate my job, but i have to keep it because i need the money, even though it pays absolute shit.
i can’t afford to do anything that i want to do. i have no social life because i have no freedom to do anything, and no money.
i can’t even have a shower right now because everyone will think i’m throwing up my dinner. which i REALLY fucking want to do.

i don’t think anyone really gives a flying fuck about me. i would never wish an eating disorder upon anyone but i do wish that for 5 minutes they could feel what i feel every single minute of every single day. maybe then they would understand, even a little but.

so i found out today that every body i live with apparently knows i’m bulimic.
and my husband knew that they knew, and didn’t think that that was something he should share with me.

i feel so stupid and embarrassed. i don’t know how i’m meant to act now.
do i pretend to be getting better? or do i just keep going about my business like i always do?

or do i want to get better?

i mean, of course i want to get better. but it’s not so much about whether or not i WANT it.. it’s about if i can do it. which i don’t think i can. not by myself, anyway. and i don’t feel like i have the support i would need. i know everyone wants to help and wants be to be better, blah blah blah, but everyone cares for a minute, and then something more interesting comes along and they don’t care anymore. and i can’t deal with it.

i have already made so much progress all on my own. i just need more time to get through the rest.
i’ve gone from throwing up a minimum of 7 times a day, to now only throwing up when i feel like i over ate, and rarely eating just to purge.
it’s weird to remember how much my life used to revolve around food. it still does now, and i’m still going insane, but i just can’t even remember what it felt like back then. all i know is i never want to be like that ever again.

i want to get better, but i am just to effing scared of what will happen if i do.
or what if i just can’t do it? or what if i gain a bunch of weight and then relapse and it’s all been for nothing?

i don’t know how to be normal or healthy anymore.

i don’t know what to do. 

in the last week 5 different people have told me i’m getting too skinny.
i do not understand how this is possible. i have actually put on about 5lbs.
my husband got super emotional about it the other day. he told me i’m gaunt and that i look sick and that he’s really worried about me.
it’s nice that he cares i guess, but i just find it hard to accept that anyone could be worried about me because i am still NOT SKINNY.
i am 5ft9.5 and weigh around 140-145 depending on the day.
this puts my bmi around 20-21, which is right smack bang in the middle of “normal weight”. whatever that means.

i know i’ve lost a substantial amount of weight, and i look a lot different to what i used to. but that would only be noticeable to the people who knew me back when i was a giant fatty.

it’s lent now and i was going to try to give up purging, and therefore force myself to eat better.
but instead i decided that i’m gonna use this as a chance to lose the 20lbs i want to get rid of before summer. 40 days to lose 20lbs? i think this is possible.

still not happy. never happy. 
don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.

have to lose at least 20lbs in the next month.
4 weeks of no binges..? gotta stop getting high so much or that’s not gonna happen.

ugh. fml. 

dear bulimia.

i miss you.

i guess i’ve gotten skinnier than i realised. i mean, i know i’ve lost a considerable amount of weight. and i know i should look different, but most of the time when i look in the mirror i just see what i used to look like.
i don’t know if it’s the new medication i am on or what, but i feel like i am starting to get glimpses of what i actually look like.
sad thing is i am still not happy with it.
everyone keeps telling me i’m thin. and i guess my legs kind of are. compared to what they used to be anyway. but i still have a muffin top. my top half just wont lose the weight as well as my bottom half. and my stupid boobs are always there mocking me, making me look even fatter. i reckon if i didn’t have them i’d be 20lbs lighter. i wish i was an A cup. when i can afford it i am going to get surgery to make them smaller. my husband said he’d even pay for it for me. but if he pays for it then i don’t think he’ll let me have an A cup. whatever. i guess i can deal with B cup. i just hate having big boobs. it is such an inconvenience. i don’t know why anyone would have surgery to make their boobs bigger.

anyway, whatever.
point of the story is i’m still fat.
i need to lose about 25lbs more. i really really want to be 112lbs. it’s kind of specific, but at my highest weight i was 224lbs, and i want to be able to say i halved my weight. at the moment i’m hovering around 145-148.
i’ve been getting better at not eating, because i am trying to slow down on the purging. i am scared enough of the pains i get in my chest that i know i need to stop throwing up. and once i made the decision to stop, i’ve been eating a whole lot less, because i KNOW i can’t throw it up. i still purge. i’ve just gone down from the 7-10 times a day to maybe once or twice a day, sometimes i wont even purge at all in a day!